tirsdag den 13. april 2010

A Home. .

I am constantly searching for a home..

Somewhere I can say, this is where I live, here I am comfertable, here I am happy, this is my home. But I haven't had any luck through the past 7-8 years..

Have you ever felt that you didn't belong anywhere?

Do you know the feeling who tells you, that this is the wrong place for you?

And do you know the calming feeling who tells you that you are safe ? The feeling of a home?

I live with my parents for the second time. My mother asked me to move back home, to help me financual, and because we were doing so well. . And she was sure that it was because I had grown.. Becomed more adult..

But she is wrong. It has nothing to do with age. I try my very best to make things better. I really try to ignore what's happening around me. . But it is really hard. I am going mad. .

Constantly she gives me small hints that this is not right for me. That I should try to make money for a new place to live.. That maybe I moved back too soon. . I am an outcast. If she could she would deny my existance. In her world I do no longer belong. I do not fit. I am unsucceded.

She makes a great effort to make the next one a succes. But the next one is starting to be ready for moving out too. .

Is it really me? Am I really just jealous? Is it really just me who is being negative and harsh against my own mother? Is it me who cannot see my faults? Or am I right that my mother has a part to play too?

I cannot sleep. Rest is difficult to find. I don't like the company of other people, and yet I need it. I feel alone and empty. But when I try to make it better, I am only making it worse. I am tired of company. I am tired of the people around me. I am tired of the problems I have to deal with. I am tired of my troubled mind.

I feel lazy and sad all the time. Getting out of bed every morning is a pain I don't know how to ease. I find no comfort in my friends. I feel lost. . Once again I am returning to the place I was 3 years ago. And again, I have no clue of how to escape.

mandag den 12. april 2010


I Feel Devided.
I am a little lost around here.. My world is beginning to become so fucked and twisted, that even I do not know what is right or wrong anymore.
I do not know if I should feel happy, pleased, sad or angry. I have things in my life, like every other people in the world, who tells me to be one of those things. I like my family, I may even love them. I like my friends, I may even love them. I like my pet, I may even love him. But in my heart I am devided.
I do not know if I dare to love my pet anymore. He is ill, and I am doing everything in my power to help him. But I do not know where it is going. He is loosing weight. And the vet's cure is just making it worse. Even they do not know what to do.
I have a lot of friends... Or more like a lot of known people... And a few friends... But these friends are all dissapearing... Again. . I know I could be working harder to keep them, but I somehow don't know if I care enough to do something.
I have a family... And in my family I have people I love. But in my family I cannot find anything but missery... My aunt just got a baby. That must be the only happy point around here. And the baby was almost lost at birth. And she is still sick. Got a hard time breathing. Not really good for a tiny baby.. My father is unsecure about my parents' financial circumstances. My sister is restless. And the other sister is unhappy. My Cousin is beeing bullied by his father. And another aunt is in treatment for drugabuse.. Again. . The family on my mothers side is split, and never really see eachother. My grandmother of cause, is also sick. On my fathers side the family knows how to stick together. But they defnantly also know how to talk about people behind their backs. I have never met anyone that good at talking confidential with eachother about eachother. And everybody knows, and everybody ignores.
But worst of all in this family, has to be my own mother. I have never found anyone in my life as fucked as she is. She is unable to admit her faults.. It's always someone else.
Before I moved out of home, I was misserable. And my mother directly told me, it was because I was sick. It had nothing to do with the fact, that I was not able to get along with her. When I then moved out, it all turned on my sister in stead. It's always something that she has not gotten to the youngest one yet. But my 17-year old sister, is getting more and more frustrated. When I was living at home, everything was my fault.. Then I moved, now it is all placed on my her. . I didn't realize how bad it was, before I ended up moving back home.
By living out of home, I have becomed better with my mother. And I have gotten an extreemly good relationship with my youngest sister. So we figured it would be okay if I moved back. But now, both me and my mother is regretting that decision. She wants me out, just as much as I wanna leave. But if I leave, then what?! I really wanna help my sister. I really, really do. The latest stunt my mother has made, is to force her back with her ex-boyfriend. My sister wanna leave him, but can't because of the conspiresy my mother has made with the boyfriend. He is of cause perfect. He has money, seem adult, to an adult.. Or at least he does to my parents. He is a farmer. He owns god knows how many cows. He is living a 2 hours drive from here, and are driving downhere almost every weekend to be with my sister.
I never liked him. And i Have never hidden, that I did not like him, but I do support my sister, in what may ever come. But now she wanna leave him. She is in love with someone else, and have becommed tired of this guy. But my mother is forcing her back with him, by inviting him down for the weekend, with the excuse " Just because she doesn't wanna talk to him, it doesn't mean that we can't". I could kil her for that sentence. And to manipulate my sister, she blames me and the other sister that they aren't together. . Come on. . How fucked can this get. . . well.. . My sister has no choise than to be with him, because my mother is frustrating her.
Yesterday, my mother asked me if my sister was happy. Cause she didn't seem so.. And I was just thinking to myself, "of cause she isn't happy.. What did you expect". . . . I told my mother that she wasn't happy, cause this was not what she wanted. When I got home from work, I asked if she had spoken to my sister, and of cause she had not. She told me we were not to get involved. . What she meant was, that I was not to get involved...
It's torture for me to see my sister with that guy. . The look in her face everytime he touches her.. It's heartbreaking. . My youngest sister has given up talking about it. She does not dare to get in the middel of it. And I. . I am on my way out of the house. I was not supposed to leave here, before i was comepletly done with school. But to stay here, will just make me mad. .

I feel devided. should I feel happy, pleased, sad or angry. . My heart is crying rivers, but I cannot let the world around me know. I refuse to go in anymore treatment for my "Illness".
I just wish I could end it all.. I just wish I knew how to love and value what I have in my life. . Why can't I? Why is it that difficult to allow myself to feel just a little happy.. Just for a split second would be nice. But how could I. . ?! With all the madness around me, I do not even know exactly who to blame. .

I Feel Devided!

mandag den 5. april 2010

I'm In Love . ..

Yes.. There.. Now I said it!
I have belived from the moment I started to have these feelings, that what I had was not love.. It was Obsession. I had an Obsession with a person who I see daily. I don't really know him that well. He just always seem so happy and cheerful. His eyes glow when he is telling something. He obviously loves to talk. I like to listen and don't speak much, so of cause I find it facinating when I meet someone who talks all the time... And he does. And yes. His eyes glow. I don't say this because I feel it. I say this because it is a fact. His eyes glow. They have this pale, light, blue/grey-ish colour, who really shines when he talks. And his tiny smile, just makes him glow even more. I don't like him because of his appearance. I know that for certain. Yes, he is of good looking, But I know that it is not a fact with influence, because I do not feel drawn to him in the physical way. I feel drawn to him mentally. Okay.. Now you proberbly think; "She's in love, of cause she is, why is that not clear?!". I did not belive it was love, cause I have my own belives, when it comes to love. Anyways. Here comes some of the crazy things, who makes me belive it is an obsession. He made me feel jealous once! And I never get jealous!! (Belive it or not) I am able to remember his license plate. Both from the old car, and the new one. Yes, he has gotten a new car. I have seen that car twice! And I am so terrible with numbers. I do not even remember telephone numbers. I know my own, and my moms number. That's it! I know his shoesize, I know the name of his cat, I know where he lives (even though I have never been there before), I know what kind of music he likes.. I even know his favorite Disney Classic. I feel insane. Really.. I can keep talking and telling things about him. And all this together, for someone like me, is Obsession. And beside all this, I do love someone. I love a girl.. A girl I have known for 8 years. I am not together with her, cause she is unfortunatly for me, straight! But I love her. And I see her often in my life. She is a dear friend to me, and I would not live without her.
I know that what I have for this girl, is love. And it is, because I am able to let her be with someone else for her happiness. She have Never made me jealous. And I just know that I would do anything for her. Absolutely anything.
But then this guy turns up. I got this feeling when I was around him. And at the beginning I was thinking; "this is a crush. A tiny crush wich will be over soon". That's almost two years ago. and since then I have been collecting tiny things about him in my head. Things I didn't even talk to him about. I just figured them out, or discovered it on my own. I never really talk to him, but he often gives me small comments. I am just being quiet as always..
But lately.. Finally.. I have begun to think if this maybe was more than a crush. More than an obsession.. He gave me a ride home from work a while ago, and even though it took less than 5 minutes, the entire ride felt like a roller coaster. It was tickling in my stomack and all the way down into my toes. On a normal day, a sad day even, I just need one tiny glimpse of him, and I will walk around like some happy sunflower the rest of the day. A word from him, can make my heart feel heavy, even though the word was not for me. And when he touches me.. Oh no.. That is something I cannot stand. I would prefer he didn't. Does he touch my hand, I am able to feel that for at least 15 min. Even though I don't really think about it. Is it my shoulder it is the same way, and so on. For almost 2 years I have avoided and ignored Highfives from him. Like I sad. I feel insane. I still have some hard time, not seeing it as an obssesion. It didn't seem so serious at that point. But now I finally have stopped denying the fact that I am In Love. I am once again, In love with someone who is far out of my reach. If I am lucky, my confession maybe will remove the feeling. Maybe my confession will make my mind stop thinking of him that way.
I just hope it will be over soon.