mandag den 12. april 2010


I Feel Devided.
I am a little lost around here.. My world is beginning to become so fucked and twisted, that even I do not know what is right or wrong anymore.
I do not know if I should feel happy, pleased, sad or angry. I have things in my life, like every other people in the world, who tells me to be one of those things. I like my family, I may even love them. I like my friends, I may even love them. I like my pet, I may even love him. But in my heart I am devided.
I do not know if I dare to love my pet anymore. He is ill, and I am doing everything in my power to help him. But I do not know where it is going. He is loosing weight. And the vet's cure is just making it worse. Even they do not know what to do.
I have a lot of friends... Or more like a lot of known people... And a few friends... But these friends are all dissapearing... Again. . I know I could be working harder to keep them, but I somehow don't know if I care enough to do something.
I have a family... And in my family I have people I love. But in my family I cannot find anything but missery... My aunt just got a baby. That must be the only happy point around here. And the baby was almost lost at birth. And she is still sick. Got a hard time breathing. Not really good for a tiny baby.. My father is unsecure about my parents' financial circumstances. My sister is restless. And the other sister is unhappy. My Cousin is beeing bullied by his father. And another aunt is in treatment for drugabuse.. Again. . The family on my mothers side is split, and never really see eachother. My grandmother of cause, is also sick. On my fathers side the family knows how to stick together. But they defnantly also know how to talk about people behind their backs. I have never met anyone that good at talking confidential with eachother about eachother. And everybody knows, and everybody ignores.
But worst of all in this family, has to be my own mother. I have never found anyone in my life as fucked as she is. She is unable to admit her faults.. It's always someone else.
Before I moved out of home, I was misserable. And my mother directly told me, it was because I was sick. It had nothing to do with the fact, that I was not able to get along with her. When I then moved out, it all turned on my sister in stead. It's always something that she has not gotten to the youngest one yet. But my 17-year old sister, is getting more and more frustrated. When I was living at home, everything was my fault.. Then I moved, now it is all placed on my her. . I didn't realize how bad it was, before I ended up moving back home.
By living out of home, I have becomed better with my mother. And I have gotten an extreemly good relationship with my youngest sister. So we figured it would be okay if I moved back. But now, both me and my mother is regretting that decision. She wants me out, just as much as I wanna leave. But if I leave, then what?! I really wanna help my sister. I really, really do. The latest stunt my mother has made, is to force her back with her ex-boyfriend. My sister wanna leave him, but can't because of the conspiresy my mother has made with the boyfriend. He is of cause perfect. He has money, seem adult, to an adult.. Or at least he does to my parents. He is a farmer. He owns god knows how many cows. He is living a 2 hours drive from here, and are driving downhere almost every weekend to be with my sister.
I never liked him. And i Have never hidden, that I did not like him, but I do support my sister, in what may ever come. But now she wanna leave him. She is in love with someone else, and have becommed tired of this guy. But my mother is forcing her back with him, by inviting him down for the weekend, with the excuse " Just because she doesn't wanna talk to him, it doesn't mean that we can't". I could kil her for that sentence. And to manipulate my sister, she blames me and the other sister that they aren't together. . Come on. . How fucked can this get. . . well.. . My sister has no choise than to be with him, because my mother is frustrating her.
Yesterday, my mother asked me if my sister was happy. Cause she didn't seem so.. And I was just thinking to myself, "of cause she isn't happy.. What did you expect". . . . I told my mother that she wasn't happy, cause this was not what she wanted. When I got home from work, I asked if she had spoken to my sister, and of cause she had not. She told me we were not to get involved. . What she meant was, that I was not to get involved...
It's torture for me to see my sister with that guy. . The look in her face everytime he touches her.. It's heartbreaking. . My youngest sister has given up talking about it. She does not dare to get in the middel of it. And I. . I am on my way out of the house. I was not supposed to leave here, before i was comepletly done with school. But to stay here, will just make me mad. .

I feel devided. should I feel happy, pleased, sad or angry. . My heart is crying rivers, but I cannot let the world around me know. I refuse to go in anymore treatment for my "Illness".
I just wish I could end it all.. I just wish I knew how to love and value what I have in my life. . Why can't I? Why is it that difficult to allow myself to feel just a little happy.. Just for a split second would be nice. But how could I. . ?! With all the madness around me, I do not even know exactly who to blame. .

I Feel Devided!

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