Yes.. There.. Now I said it!
I have belived from the moment I started to have these feelings, that what I had was not love.. It was Obsession. I had an Obsession with a person who I see daily. I don't really know him that well. He just always seem so happy and cheerful. His eyes glow when he is telling something. He obviously loves to talk. I like to listen and don't speak much, so of cause I find it facinating when I meet someone who talks all the time... And he does. And yes. His eyes glow. I don't say this because I feel it. I say this because it is a fact. His eyes glow. They have this pale, light, blue/grey-ish colour, who really shines when he talks. And his tiny smile, just makes him glow even more. I don't like him because of his appearance. I know that for certain. Yes, he is of good looking, But I know that it is not a fact with influence, because I do not feel drawn to him in the physical way. I feel drawn to him mentally. Okay.. Now you proberbly think; "She's in love, of cause she is, why is that not clear?!". I did not belive it was love, cause I have my own belives, when it comes to love. Anyways. Here comes some of the crazy things, who makes me belive it is an obsession. He made me feel jealous once! And I never get jealous!! (Belive it or not) I am able to remember his license plate. Both from the old car, and the new one. Yes, he has gotten a new car. I have seen that car twice! And I am so terrible with numbers. I do not even remember telephone numbers. I know my own, and my moms number. That's it! I know his shoesize, I know the name of his cat, I know where he lives (even though I have never been there before), I know what kind of music he likes.. I even know his favorite Disney Classic. I feel insane. Really.. I can keep talking and telling things about him. And all this together, for someone like me, is Obsession. And beside all this, I do love someone. I love a girl.. A girl I have known for 8 years. I am not together with her, cause she is unfortunatly for me, straight! But I love her. And I see her often in my life. She is a dear friend to me, and I would not live without her.
I know that what I have for this girl, is love. And it is, because I am able to let her be with someone else for her happiness. She have Never made me jealous. And I just know that I would do anything for her. Absolutely anything.
But then this guy turns up. I got this feeling when I was around him. And at the beginning I was thinking; "this is a crush. A tiny crush wich will be over soon". That's almost two years ago. and since then I have been collecting tiny things about him in my head. Things I didn't even talk to him about. I just figured them out, or discovered it on my own. I never really talk to him, but he often gives me small comments. I am just being quiet as always..
But lately.. Finally.. I have begun to think if this maybe was more than a crush. More than an obsession.. He gave me a ride home from work a while ago, and even though it took less than 5 minutes, the entire ride felt like a roller coaster. It was tickling in my stomack and all the way down into my toes. On a normal day, a sad day even, I just need one tiny glimpse of him, and I will walk around like some happy sunflower the rest of the day. A word from him, can make my heart feel heavy, even though the word was not for me. And when he touches me.. Oh no.. That is something I cannot stand. I would prefer he didn't. Does he touch my hand, I am able to feel that for at least 15 min. Even though I don't really think about it. Is it my shoulder it is the same way, and so on. For almost 2 years I have avoided and ignored Highfives from him. Like I sad. I feel insane. I still have some hard time, not seeing it as an obssesion. It didn't seem so serious at that point. But now I finally have stopped denying the fact that I am In Love. I am once again, In love with someone who is far out of my reach. If I am lucky, my confession maybe will remove the feeling. Maybe my confession will make my mind stop thinking of him that way.
I just hope it will be over soon.