A strange feeling.

I missed her..
I actually missed someone for entire 15 minuts. . A strange feeling.. A good but very strange feeling. But also very sad and hurtful.. I do see why people don't want to miss eachother. It is an annoying feeling which brings the whole body into a state of anxiety. I don't know why I felt it. I never do. But a sudden tingling showed up inside me, and for some reason I knew exactly what it was.
I actually missed someone.. A strange feeling.

The Call - Lyrics

.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

"The Call" by Regina Spektor

What does it mean?

I had a dream..
About a mermaid, an experiment gone wrong, and a dear friend..
I wonder what it means..

A mermaid was trapped in a tiny fish tank, for all to see, and she was being kept alive by a team of scientists. She needed care 24 hours a day, and was in a very bad shape. On her back she had something like a tattoo. It was a text.. A story.. A tale about her and her people. It was the secrets of the world below the surface of the sea. On the back of each shoulder she had a wing. Very small wings which were not created for flying. This was very interesting for the scientists. But there were only one scientist who cared for her. Who wished her well. And in that scientists absence, the other scientists forgot to keep a constant eye on the mermaid..
The mermaid dies..

An old stable is filled with horses. In the corner there is a speciel horse. It is grey and it has wings.. Huge beautiful white wings with a glow of a very pale red. But it is bound. And its stable was so small that the horse was not able to move an inch. The poor creature was locked and trapped in a cage which was crueller than a prison. It could not escape. It was caught in the corner. And tortured by the loss of its freedom.

A funeral. I feel sad but I don't pour a tear. I leave the funeral. I find myself in a room of concrete. It is small and cold. But I feel welcome there. I am supposed to be there. In the middle of the room, is a person hanging down from the ceiling. Not dead, but only barely alive. On wrists and ankles there is a chain of barbed wire. And that chain is connected with a yellow box. I turn the knob in the middle on the box and push down the button on top. The person hanging from the ceiling wrings his entire body in pain. Pain caused by the power which is sent through the wires. And I now know that the person in chains was the same person being buried..

I wonder what it all means.

The Heart

He is in pain.. He is hurting.. He is being abused, violated and tortured..
I am hurting him..
I am not letting him breathe.. I am killing him from the inside.. I am letting him feel the fysical pain.. And I am letting him feel the mental pain. .
He is bound, and has no way out..
I am betraying him. .
I am deserting his trust and confidence in me.. I give him no hope to live by. . I am leaving him for an open hell and with a wish for death..
I wake up.. Feeling calm.. Feeling joy and happiness.. And with no fear of losing what I once loved..
Then i feel empty and complete at the same time.. And I know that my actions were driven by desire. "What desire?" you might ask.. Honestly, I wish I didn't know..

Bye Charlie

What if it wasn't his time yet ?
What if I made false accusations and condemned him by doing so?
What if I was wrong and he was perfectly healthy? For now at least...
I had his fate in my hands, and I failed. I didn't protect him well enough. I wasn't sufficient.. I left him behind and I wasn't there to prevent anyone else to take controle. I allowed someone else to decide his fate by not being where I was supposed to be. I went to have fun, and left him defenseless.
I know it had to be. And I know there was no way out.. Only I was stupid enough to postpone the inevitable.. But I cannot help myself. I cannot make myself believe I was not responsible. Cause I was responsible. I knew it had to happen, but I didn't want it to. And then it did. And now I am here.. Blaming myself for not being there. For not being the one to make the decision. For not being there for him.
Done is done.. With good intentions but a sad outcome..
This was it..
I am sorry I didn't try harder. .

♥ Charlie †June 30th 2011†

Forsaken

I feel like a failure.. I feel like I am being failed..
What I thought was the truth turned out to be the lie.. And what I so long have denied turned out to be the fact. I counted on the wrong one, even though I already knew it was the wrong one. I forgot to remember the truth.. And I forgot to remember the facts. In need I turned the wrong way, with the hope that I would no longer need to be in denial. But I was right about being wrong, and a huge rock fell upon my heart. If IT cannot be trusted, what can?
I now know where I stand.. I now know how I stand.. But more frightening is the fact that in the end I will still and again be standing alone.

A Very Good Day...

.. To feel the grass under your feet..
.. To enjoy the trees above your head..
.. To feel the breeze in your face..
.. To be with a friend..
.. To feel loved..
.. To love..
.. A Very Good Day!


- 25th April 2011 -

Charlie

He is small and sweet.. He loves you as long as you take care of him.. He wants your attention.. He askes for you to care.. He make his best effort to give you his own affection.. He tries his very best to let you know he loves you too.. He gives you his own signs of approval.. He makes your heart melt just by looking at you.. He has his own personality, and he lives for making you happy..

He is not mine.. Never has been.. He belongs to someone who doesn't show him much care, so I have been his mom for quite some time.. I see him and takes care of him every day.. He is a child left in my custody.. I love him, as I love my own.. But now I am to make the decision.. Once again I am the one to be master of the fate of a creature who does not even belong to me.. I am to decide wether he lives or not.. I hate this position.. I hate to say good bye, and to be the one to say; Now is the end!..
But compared to everything I have been given by these creatures, I wouldn't miss a thing! I wouldn't be without the pain, cause the pain reminds me, of why I go through it all.. All the life and happiness they give, all the pleasure and love they bring into your life.. Love them back and it will never be in vain..

I love my animals.. And I would never live a life without them.. I love Charlie, and I hope he will live for many years to come.. He is sick and are not having many chances left. Tomorrow will be my last visit at the Vet.. I just hope for the best.. as Always!

You Don't Care . . .

.

Why Would You . . .

.

Her, I Love..

Her, I Love..

So beautiful..

So kind..

So lovable..

Her hair is like a summerday and her eyes shines like the sun it self..

Her laughter is as beautiful and warming as the feeling of the greatest hug in the world..

Her presence makes the ground shiver and the stars fall down..

Her life is life-giving and her soul is making life worth living..

She knows the right words and she knows the right touch..

She brings hope and comfort..

She brings light into darkness..

she brings love into life..

She reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.,

Her, I Love!

To Know

I may have let go of my life a long time ago..
I don't know if I am waiting for something which is never gonna come. Maybe I am searching for something which does not exist. I don't know. .
I do not know many things. But I do think of the things I don't know. Did I water my flower this week? Did I leave my keys in the kitchen? Did I say that line wrong? Did I forget to say "Hi'"? Did I miss my chance? Did I let go too soon? Did I forget to remember what I wanted? Did I do right? Or was it wrong? Am I too weak? or do I act too strong? Didn't I see what I had? Can't I see what is comming? Maybe I held on, but didn't have it. . Or maybe I had it, but let go. . I do not see where my life is going. And I do not see how it got here.. I don't understand why I feel the way I do, think the way I do, act the way I do. I don't even know why I am sitting here now. Writing about what I don't know, when I know that I deep down know everything. I somehow just wanna let go, and see where it will take me. Maybe things will get better.. Or maybe they will keep going down. I don't know..
I may have let go of my life a long time ago.. Or maybe I am just waiting for it to start. Maybe I am standing right in the middle of it. . Maybe in the end, I will know. . .