I am constantly searching for a home..
Somewhere I can say, this is where I live, here I am comfertable, here I am happy, this is my home. But I haven't had any luck through the past 7-8 years..
Have you ever felt that you didn't belong anywhere?
Do you know the feeling who tells you, that this is the wrong place for you?
And do you know the calming feeling who tells you that you are safe ? The feeling of a home?
I live with my parents for the second time. My mother asked me to move back home, to help me financual, and because we were doing so well. . And she was sure that it was because I had grown.. Becomed more adult..
But she is wrong. It has nothing to do with age. I try my very best to make things better. I really try to ignore what's happening around me. . But it is really hard. I am going mad. .
Constantly she gives me small hints that this is not right for me. That I should try to make money for a new place to live.. That maybe I moved back too soon. . I am an outcast. If she could she would deny my existance. In her world I do no longer belong. I do not fit. I am unsucceded.
She makes a great effort to make the next one a succes. But the next one is starting to be ready for moving out too. .
Is it really me? Am I really just jealous? Is it really just me who is being negative and harsh against my own mother? Is it me who cannot see my faults? Or am I right that my mother has a part to play too?
I cannot sleep. Rest is difficult to find. I don't like the company of other people, and yet I need it. I feel alone and empty. But when I try to make it better, I am only making it worse. I am tired of company. I am tired of the people around me. I am tired of the problems I have to deal with. I am tired of my troubled mind.
I feel lazy and sad all the time. Getting out of bed every morning is a pain I don't know how to ease. I find no comfort in my friends. I feel lost. . Once again I am returning to the place I was 3 years ago. And again, I have no clue of how to escape.